Spurs owner Joe Lewis has been charged with orchestrating a brazen insider trading scheme to keep Harry Kane locked inside a secure cupboard until he signs a new contract to stay with the club forever.
With news emerging earlier that British Billionaire Lewis has been charged with insider trading, further news has now emerged that he has also been accused of hiding Harry Kane in a wardrobe this week to stop him from signing for anyone else.
A spokesperson for Tottenham Hotspur confirmed, “He’s innocent. Well, actually, he’s not, but we’re going to say he is anyway.
“We can confirm that Mr Lewis has indeed been charged with keeping Harry Kane locked in a wardrobe at his house, and some other stock market stuff that we don’t really understand.
“And we can confirm that he is totally innocent of all charges, apart from the Harry Kane bit; he’s not going anywhere.
“Obviously he will be allowed out of the wardrobe when the season starts, and Bayern Munich have gone away, along with any other club where he has the chance to actually win a trophy.
“But up until then, he’s staying right there, so get your f**king mitts off him; he’s staying at Spurs. Forever. And winning nothing. Ever.”
Asked if Harry Kane has any say in the matter whatsoever, we were told, “Fortunately not.”