Man’s desperately transparent attempt to avoid housework by ‘vacuuming badly’ shows promising signs of working

author avatar by 10 months ago

A man deliberately doing a terrible job of cleaning the house might actually avoid having to do it again, according to sources close to the family this afternoon.

Simon Williams, 35, has been repeatedly chastised for his lack of assistance with the domestic chores, and as such, has chosen to vacuum in order to demonstrate his willingness to ‘help out around the place’.

However, Williams’ cunning plan to do a thoroughly terrible job, and therefore never be asked to do it again, is showing early promise.

He told us, “I just pushed the vacuum around a bit, didn’t do the corners of the room, and just went back and forth over the same piece of carpet in the bedroom for ten minutes.

“It looks and sounds like I’m really busy, but 70% of the carpets aren’t even being touched. There is no way she’ll ask me to do this again. I am a genius.”

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“He is a moron,” explained his wife, Sharon.

“He is seemingly unaware of the security cameras we have on the landing and in the living room; I’ve just sat and watched him stand still and push the vacuum back and forth, while using his phone to look at the prices of players in this season’s Fantasy Football league.

“If you’re wondering if the vacuuming thing is a one-off, and he’s actually not a moron, I’d just like to point out that it looks like he’s thinking of buying two Burnley defenders.”

She concluded, “I’m just going to pretend I’m delighted with the job he’s done. He’ll never spot the double bluff; it’s why he’s so crap at poker.”