Stephen Barclay to receive birthday beats for NHS’ 75th Birthday

author avatar by 1 year ago

Nurses and doctors nationwide are queuing up to administer a dose of birthday beats to Stephen Barclay.

Today marks the 75th anniversary of a national health service which the Tories just can’t quite seem to destroy, despite their best efforts, and a vote amongst staff swung overwhelmingly towards him in deciding who should take the birthday beats on behalf of the health service.

With tradition dictating that birthdays should be celebrated with a punch for each of your advancing years, Barclay has been nominated as the face of the NHS.

“Yep, gotta be Steve,” said Junior Doctor, Simon Williams, shadowboxing against the wall.

“But let’s be clear, it’s because he’s the Health Secretary, and he is ultimately responsible for everything that goes on, which it means it should be him.

NewsThump Hoodies

“It is absolutely not born of a desire from every single one of us to punch him until he is rendered unconscious.”

Nurse, Jay Cooper, said, “No, I’m not ashamed to be a male nurse, you prick.

“Anyway… yes, this is definitely the right decision. I think I might have actually voted twice. I’ve borrowed some knuckle dusters off my dad, who was a bit of a ‘character’ back in the day – and by ‘character’ I mean ‘East end gangster’.

“Funnily enough, he is ashamed that I’m a male nurse.”

A spokesperson for Mr Barclay said, “….erm, neither Mr. Barclay nor myself were ever consulted or even asked about this plan.

“I’m sure, like strike action, there has a minimum threshold on any vote before we can… what’s that, the turnout was 100%, and it was unanimous? Right. Thanks.”

NewsThump Hoodies