Government hails success in introducing legislation to prevent people from marrying small boats

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The government has announced further plans to crack down on small boats crossing the Channel by introducing new legislation that will prevent anyone from marrying small boats.

“British people being able to marry small boats is probably one of the main reasons that encourage small boats to cross the Channel,” said Prime Minister and Head Boy Rishi Sunak.

“I mean, I haven’t checked or anything, but that seems about right.

“Suella and I are going to take away that inducement for small boats by making it illegal to marry a small boat, and then we’ll definitely, definitely see fewer small boats arriving.”

Tory supporter and mad person Simon Williams approved of the new plans.

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“Finally. I’m sick of seeing small boats land on the beach and then immediately going to the local church to marry someone so they get to stay here and claim benefits. It’s happening every single day!

“I would say people marrying small boats is definitely the biggest problem faced by the country, much bigger than out-of-control inflation and broken public services, so I’m glad Rishi and Suella are finally doing something about it.”

The Government is prepared for opposition to the plans.

“Oh yes, I expect that we’ll see a bunch of lefty Islington lawyers who’ll want to stand up for the small boats’ human rights to get married,” explained Home Secretary Suella Braverman.

“Typical of that sort to try and get in the way of this government putting the people’s priorities in action!”

When told of the plans, opposition leader Kier Starmer paused briefly, and then commented, “No, it’s still not as mad as the Rwanda thing.”

Cruella Braverman – the mug!

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