To fix sewage pollution crisis we’ll need to raise executive bonuses by 40%, insist water companies

Water companies have insisted they are making a serious effort to prevent sewage pollution by announcing a 40% rise in executive bonuses.

With sewage pollution still a massive issue across the country’s rivers and beaches, and with climate change creating drier conditions throughout the summer, many water companies have admitted that they have no choice but to increase bonuses by up to 40%.

A spokesperson for the industry explained, “Last year, our executive bonuses only rose by 20%, but the problems with sewage pollution still persisted, so this year, we’re really going to try and fix it, by doubling the rise in bonuses to 40%.

“We feel that a 40% rise in bonuses is just the incentive our senior executives need to fix the problem of sewage pollution. Clearly a 20% rise wasn’t enough, and we won’t let anyone accuse us of not spending serious amounts of money to try and fix the problem.

“Who knows, with the added motivation of a bonus of 40%, maybe one of these executives will finally issue a memo that says ‘we must stop putting tonnes of human excrement into the river’.

“We can but hope.”