Staffordshire earthquake causes millions of pounds of improvements to Stoke-on-Trent

author avatar by 1 year ago

Stoke has been rocked by an earthquake which caused millions in improvements this evening.

The quake, which registered 3.4 on the Richter scale, struck at 9:30 pm this evening, causing chips to slide from their trays and at least one incident of a doner kebab being entirely lost.

Throughout the city, reports are coming in of avocado bathroom suites being cracked and, in one case, a garage falling on a ‘heavily modded’ metallic-blue Honda Civic – resulting in Stoke becoming a considerably more desirable place to live.

Several pubs with rooms for rent have been upgraded by two or even three stars after damage to their kitchens meant they could no longer offer breakfasts.

“All the stone cladding I put on our house in 1986 fell off,” local resident Simon ‘Daz’ Williams told us.

NewsThump Best sellers

“And a faux-porcelain statuette of a Cocker Spaniel fell off the mantelpiece and is feared irreparable.

“It’s added thousands to the value of the property in one swoop.”

Local estate agents are already advertising Stoke as ‘distressed chic’, with residents keen to sell their properties to gullible hipsters before they realise the piles of rubble are the result of flytipping and not quake damage.