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Today’s Woke Bulletin has revealed that Crunchies, Belgium and Mauve are all now considered woke.
Consequently, anyone wearing mauve clothes, eating a Crunchie or being Belgian will themselves be considered woke, and must be treated accordingly.
Any Belgians wearing mauve clothes whilst eating a Crunchie will be considered dangerously woke and will be subject to extreme measures.
Simon Williams is the Minister for the Prevention of Woke Things.
He explained, “Every day, new things are becoming woke, and it is critically important that we stay on top of it. In January, Elm Trees became woke, and we weren’t aware of it for nearly two weeks. This saw many nature lovers, including children, exposed to dangerously woke trees for prolonged periods.
“Today’s woke bulletin, like all woke bulletins, is an attempt to prevent anything like that happening again.”
As ever, the general public is extremely grateful to the Woke Bulletin for keeping them safe.
“God, that’s really scary. I used to really like Crunchies,” said Sheep Worrier Eleanor Gay.
“I was even going to have one with my cup of tea this morning. Thank God I’ve been warned. I won’t have them anymore.
“Frankly, I think Cadburys should be ashamed of themselves, forcing their politically correct, woke honeycomb bars on unsuspecting, innocent people like that. Can’t we just have chocolate bars without all the politics?”
The Woke Bulletin will return tomorrow and is rumoured to be revealing that holes are woke.
GB News continue to assert that the Woke Bulletin is, in fact, woke, and not to be trusted, but, as yet, no proof of this has come to light.
