Rough, tough man of action Steven Seagal is expected to take up arms to put a stop to all this nonsense in Russia any second now, it has emerged.
Seagal, who moved to Russia because they’re just so much tougher and more manly than weak, effete westerners, is going to put his money where his mouth is, take up arms, and put down this rebellion as the one man army he is, just you wait.
That’s just as soon as he stops putting a metric f**ton of pies where his mouth is.
“These guys messed with the wrong man”, mumbled Seagal as he squeezed into combat fatigues several sizes too small.
“I didn’t spend my life studying every martial art known to man or beast to sit by now and miss out on fighting for what I’ve repeatedly said I believe in.
“I’ll just wait for my friend Vladimir to join me and we’ll be on the front lines like the fearless lions of men we really are.
“Hello? Vladimir? Vladimir, are you there?”