Facing the terrible threat of a Russian army barrelling down the main highway towards his capital, Joe Biden has offered to airlift Vladimir Putin to safety this morning.
Putin, who is cowering in the Kremlin begging people to stop shooting at him, is understood to have told the State Department ‘I need a ride, not ammunition’, and is expected at the US Embassy for extraction imminently.
Communications from Russia suggest that Putin is already hiding under the back seat of a minibus speeding to a local airport where he will be whisked away to a new life in a halfway decent compound in Saudi Arabia just like every other failed dictator.
When Russian partisan groups threatened to shoot down any US plane leading the area, Biden replied ‘Just try it’.
Many Western commentators have suggested that Russia invading Russia this morning is due to NATO expansion, and indeed pretty much every reason other than this being Russia’s own stupid fault.