After the less-than-stellar box office performance of Disney film ‘Lightyear’, which featured a same-sex kiss, and the drop in sales of Bud Light for employing a transgender brand ambassador, Simon Williams has been quick to take to social media commenting “Go Woke go broke” without noticing that he hasn’t been rewarded financially for his life as a bigot.
Sources claim that Williams, variously a bit racist and misogynistic with frequent outbursts of homophobia, is often broke despite not being ‘woke’.
When pressed on whether his extremely off-putting online persona spilled over to real life when in job interviews, Williams replied, “’Correlation doesn’t mean causality’ – that’s another one I like to roll out when someone claims climate change is linked with there being approximately 1.4 billion combustion engine cars on earth.
“I usually mute the comments after I say it though, as I don’t really understand most of the replies.”
Expanding on what he thought passed the threshold of ‘woke’ in media, Williams replied: “Women. Mostly.
“They’re everywhere now… Talking, cc’d in emails, driving cars, it’s terrifying – one was even Dr Who, they got rid of her – thank the heavens – but there’s something about this new guy playing Dr Who I don’t like either, I can’t quite put my finger on it.”
Expanding on his issues with women in films, Williams claimed it was an issue of realism.
He went on, “In Die Hard 2, John McClane once had a fistfight on the wing of a moving jumbo jet against a squad of treacherous marines; he was thrown off the plane but was able to ignite the plane’s fuel with a cigarette lighter.
“It was practically a documentary on the nature of modern aviation and the chemical structure of aviation fuel.
“These modern action films with women though… Am I really to believe that a female’s bicep is powerful enough to lift a gun, much less shoot it? Honestly, I’ve emailed my bank details to several Nigerian princes who were more believable.”
At press time, Williams was reporting a crisis of identity, telling friends, “I’m still broke, thus clearly still too woke.
“From now on, I will be nailing my colours to the mast – anyone opposing refugee Rwanda flights is a woke lefty who should be hung, anyone suggesting any degree of accountability for Boris Johnson or Elon Musk is a woke lefty who should be hung.”
Williams added, “Look, any chance I could borrow a tenner?”