So-called ‘experts’ in a variety of fields including economics, sports and science are to be replaced by unemployed 53-year-old Simon Williams from Kettering, it has been confirmed.
Williams knows absolutely everything about any subject and is unafraid to hold forth against the received wisdom of 400 years of the scientific method, especially after four pints of Strongbow.
Amongst his many accomplishments, Simon is remarkably well-informed about optimal football formations, the effects of political events on international capital and bond markets, and the best way to pleasure a woman – possibly his favourite subject.
His breadth of knowledge is all the more impressive as he doesn’t even need to bother spending ten seconds fact-checking on Google before issuing a firm statement.
After lengthy debate, a number of professional bodies including the Royal Academy of Art, The Royal Society, the Law Society, the Royal College of Surgeons, the Bank of England and elected Parliament concluded the best thing they could do is hand over the running of things to Simon immediately.
“We read some of the things Simon said on the comments threads of several popular websites, and it was clear he knew more about everything than any so-called experts you might care to name,” said a spokesman for Buckingham Palace when confirming his appointment.
“You might think years of study, extensive experience and trial and error might be what really qualifies you in any given subject, but it’s clear that’s wrong.
“It turns out that what you actually need is a short temper; a Border Collie called Bess, and an unpaid bar tab.
“In addition to his many other talents, Simon’s grasp of criminology and military tactics is unsurpassed, and on the basis of his opinion, we’ve reintroduced the death penalty and deployed the SAS to seventeen different trouble spots globally.”
However, left-wing commenters are unimpressed by William’s appointment, as after an artisan quinoa souffle and the second bottle of Zinfandel, they know what’s best for everyone without having to listen to anybody.