The Government is warning that Asylum Seekers may well have weapons of mass destruction and would be able to deploy them within 45 minutes.
“We have very credible reports that many asylum seekers have never been fully checked for weapons of mass destruction, and so there is nothing to say that they don’t have weapons of mass destruction and the ability to deploy them with as little as 45 minutes notice,” explained Suella Braverman as she sacrificed a goat to the lord Beelzebub.
“Until we can, for certain, ascertain that asylum seekers do not have weapons of mass destruction, then I think we should assume they DO, and form a coalition with some of the more impressionable Western powers and launch a campaign of shock and awe against them.”
The Daily Mail has been vociferous in its support – “Asylum seekers in possession of short-range nukes and chemical weapons are arriving in their thousands” – was Monday’s headlines, followed on Tuesday by “Bomb the F**kers!”
Tory supporter and cretin Simon Williams admitted to concern over the revelation.
“WMDs! And these people are just being allowed to walk into our country with them and are probably being given free benefits as well, and if Labour get in, then we’re all going to be forced to marry them.
“I don’t know whether to laugh or cry!”
The government has yet to announce any formal plans to manage immigration because it doesn’t like doing work, but it is expected to warn tomorrow that most asylum seekers are werewolves.