Tottenham Hotspur FC have appointed Australian Ange Postecoglous as the team’s chief turd polisher on a four-year contract.
The decision has not been unanimously welcomed by Spurs fans, who have deluded themselves that they are world-beaters deserving of an elite-level manager, despite them being a bit shit when it mattered most this season.
Spurs fan Simon Williams told us, “Spurs should be in the Champions League, winning the FA Cup, The Euros and Britain’s Got Talent, and I just don’t see how that can happen when someone like Postecoglous is responsible for the polishing a midfield containing Bissouma and Skipp.
“Our turds deserve to be the champions of all the things. All of them. And winning the league in Scotland with Celtic or Rangers is like winning the league in England if you’re funded by Abu Dhabi. Christ, even Steven bloody Gerrard won the league up there, and look what happened when he took over at Aston Villa!”
Williams went on to explain that Postecoglou doesn’t have much to follow.
He told us, “Ryan Mason only had the job for a while, but didn’t so much polish the Spurs turd, so much as smear it across his chest and into the faces of the fans.
“So obviously I’m excited by the appointment of a man who can succeed in a two-horse race. I mean, it’s not like the premier league has more than one other team capable of winning the thing, is it?”
“On the bright side, if he needs to practise polishing turds he could practise on Daniel Levy’s bonce.”