Man who blames all of the nation’s ills on ‘migrants’ horrified to learn the only thing keeping the UK out of recession is strong net migration

author avatar by 11 months ago

A man capable of finding a way to link any problem in society to the small boats crisis has been left bereft after learning that the only thing preventing a technical recession in the UK is the strong net migration figures.

Derek Williams, 62, has in the past month blamed small boats for everything from his difficulty getting a dentist appointment, to the UK’s disappointing showing in Eurovision, to the fact that his lawn is looking a bit lacklustre this year.

Williams was left stunned after the Office of Budget Responsibility (OBR) explained that without the input of net migration in excess of 600,000, the UK would be in economic trouble.

“Migrants contribute more to our economy than they take out, and without the extra 600,000 of them we let in last year, we’d be looking at a technical recession in 2023, no question about it,” explained a spokesperson for the OBR.

After staring blankly at the television for several minutes without blinking, Williams composed himself to point out that he was okay with the “nice” migrants.

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“And by nice, I mean ‘rich’. I don’t want to hear stories about refugees who became doctors, lawyers, and engineers – I only want to hear stories about the ones who break the law. Otherwise, I might start thinking of them as people and realise they’re not that different to us.

“And THEN where will we be?!”

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