Britain’s young people are eagerly anticipating a prosperous post-Brexit bonanza after Home Secretary Suella Braverman suggested British people should learn to pick fruit, jobs previously done by cheaper migrant labour.
Mrs Braverman insists the move could produce an army of crop selection technicians that will be the envy of the world.
“Our young people will have the opportunity to thrive under the tutelage of skilled fruit pickers,” she said.
“An apprenticeship wage of £5.28 an hour will also allow them to buy all the things young people like, such as Pokemon cards and Space Hoppers.”
Young people have spoken enthusiastically about the possibility of a career in crop selection.
“This really could be the start of something big,” enthused 18-year-old Simon Williams, who, up until now, was considering studying for a degree in astrophysics.
“If I can succeed at fruit picking, then who’s to say I couldn’t move on to be a shopping trolley retrieval specialist?
“It goes to show that you should never stop believing.”
Mrs Beaverman revealed that the fruit-picking apprenticeships would only be available to the under-18s.
She added, “We did think about opening up the scheme to older people, but then we remembered they’re allowed to vote.”
Brexit means Clusterf**k – get the T-shirt