Charles takes up sword of the Emperor, begins Invictus crusade

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King Charles has taken up the burning sword of the Emperor and announced plans to reunite the imperium today.

The move is unexpected, as most people had thought he would devote his reign to chatting to houseplants and awkwardly dad-dancing when visiting social occasions.

Instead, Charles immediately took up arms and beheaded his brother Andrew who had fallen to the worship of Slaanesh.

“The Coronation said the king would be guided by angels, and that specifically turned out to be the Dark Angels – particularly Cypher,” said royal correspondent Simon Prince-Williams.

“Or maybe Sanguinius, with any luck.”

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The purpose of the crusade is to rebuild the empire, which has fallen into disarray in recent years, and Charles plans to begin with those parts which have fallen furthest into darkness and hellish despair.

“He’ll be starting in Hull,” we were told.