The government has reacted to BP making a £4 billion profit in the first three months of this year, in the midst of an energy crisis, by insisting it is just further proof that privatising essential state-owned services works really well.
Prime ministerial automaton Rishi Sunak explained, “Energy companies have long been known for their philanthropic environmental efforts, and as such, we should celebrate them when they are experiencing a huge profit windfall during a time of national energy crisis.
“Some people might suggest that energy companies making over £40 million pounds in profit every single day while pensioners ride the bus to keep warm is something of an immoral travesty. But remember, it’s just the market forces that we love and hold so dear working their magic in an industry where we were solely responsible for introducing a profit motive.
“If the Conservatives hadn’t completely privatised BP in the late 70s and 80s, then most of this profit could have been wasted by public sector bureaucrats or nurses, or heaven forbid spent on keeping your bills lower.
“If the market wants your granny to freeze to death while energy company executives can buy a third Caribbean home, then so be it.”
Voter Simon Williams told us, “BP took less than one second – the blink of an eye – to make in profits what I earn in an entire year.
“I’m not saying profits are inherently evil; of course not. I’m just saying that making excessive profits from selling a human necessity like energy – during an energy crisis that is forcing people to live in freezing homes – is a bit evil.
“For context, that £4 billion is the equivalent of about £1,000 in profit a year for every single household in this country. Remember that next time you’re filling up the car.
“However, I guess we should be grateful it’s a privatised business, because I can’t imagine what our incompetent government would do with that sort of money.”