Jury to seek death penalty after Ed Sheeran plays guitar in court

author avatar by 1 year ago

After Ed Sheeran demonstrated his guitar-playing in a New York courtroom, jurors have called for the highest penalties – up to and including the electric chair or firing squad – in the case.

Sheeran, who is defending himself from allegations of plagiarism, sought to prove nobody else could make the sort of tuneless honking he produces by whipping out his instrument and giving the court a bit of a jingle.

However, the stunt backfired after jurors agreed nobody in their right mind would want to claim ownership of the remorseless dirge but him, but went on to insist the judge put capital punishment firmly on the table.

“This nation has laws against cruel and unusual punishments, and having to involuntarily sit through a noodly, unplugged rendition of Shape of You certainly falls squarely under that category,” explained Jury foreman Simon-Bob Williams to the judge.

“We unanimously find the defendant not guilty of plagiarism, but if we can find him guilty of murder in the first degree and have him put out of our misery on Rykers Island that would be great, thanks.”

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