We called it ‘Unicorn Kingdom’ because all the benefits are imaginary

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Rishi Sunak has relaunched the UK on the global stage by naming it after an imaginary creature beloved by credulous children.

Shortly after Sunak finished speaking to business people at the launch event, a Tory aide told us, “When creating a scheme to promote the UK as THE place for global innovation, we decided to use the tried and tested persuasion method of using made-up imaginary things to get people to do as we want.

“Now, some critics might say that people are not stupid, and no grown-up believes in Unicorns, so how can such a fantasy possibly play out in our favour? And I would simply point you to 2016 and the claims of Brexit’s sunlit uplands.

“If the Brexiteers were telling the truth, we’d all be living in a high-growth, economically prosperous paradise where the world’s other leading nations were banging down our doors to negotiate access to our incredibly affluent market.

“But instead, we’re the only G7 economy still smaller than it was before the pandemic.

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“So remember, the sunlit uplands were as imaginary as any unicorn, but they STILL persuaded people to vote for Brexit in their millions, so I have no doubt whatsoever it will help entice a handful of multinationals to invest here in the UK.”

American businessman Chuck Williams told us, “Yeah, we’re not falling for that again. Just because this month’s British prime minister has promised us something wonderful does not change our opinion that your country is a total clown show.

“We’ll go elsewhere and just wait for the doors to fall off, then swoop in and buy you for parts.”