Government insists forthcoming emergency alert test already 100% successful in identifying nation’s gullible simpletons

author avatar by 12 months ago

Sunday’s emergency mobile phone alert test has already proven completely successful in identifying the sort of gullible simpleton who can be easily tricked into thinking that it will trigger some sort of pathogen or mind-control agent.

Despite some valid criticism of the test – such as domestic abuse sufferers worried about the discovery of secret phones – thousands of borderline morons have decided that the only possible explanation for the government to push a message to your phone is that they want you to be under their complete control for nefarious reasons, like the MCUs Winter Soldier.

‘Free-thinker’ Simon Williams told us, “I don’t understand how phones work, or the radio frequencies on which they operate, or the mechanics of how it will control us, but I am absolutely convinced this emergency test is designed to make everyone ill, or a zombie, all at once.

“No, I don’t know why they’d want to do that, but they do. I’d show you the YouTube video explaining how it will happen, but they keep taking it down because the government is frightened of people seeing it.

“Trust me; you need to bury your phone in the garden until Sunday night. It’s the only way to keep yourself safe. Of course, if no one becomes a killing machine controlled by number 10 on Sunday, then their plan will have failed, and they will have to try again.

NewsThump best selling notebooks

“But I, and thousands like me, will be ready.”

Non-moron Derek Matthews told us, “I don’t know. If I had created a mind-control agent, I’m not sure I’d go to the trouble of putting it in a vaccine that thousands of people won’t take, and then require a mobile phone message that thousands won’t listen to, in order to activate it.

“I’d probably just put it in the water supply or something. Why overcomplicate it? I’ve never understood why these conspiracy theorists always assume the people running the conspiracy are as dumb as they are?”