A man who demanded chocolate eggs have the word ‘Easter’ written all over the packaging didn’t bother going to church again this year.
Forty-eight-year-old Simon Williams has spent most of the past two months menacingly tweeting supermarkets and chocolate manufacturers, threatening to boycott their products forever unless they made it clear their goods were a celebration of Christianity.
However, as thousands of devout Christians packed into churches to celebrate Jesus’ resurrection today, Burke was nowhere to be seen.
“There’s no way I was going; I had a right hangover,” he told reporters.
“To be honest, I don’t believe in all that God stuff anyway, but it’s the principle of the matter, isn’t it?
“We have to remember it this time every year, that honest, hard-working British people threw eggs at the Romans to try to stop the crucifixion. Or something.
“So it’s a national disgrace that our chocolate is being enjoyed by eight-year-olds whose parents may have been born in a different country.”
Burke confessed that he hadn’t been to church since he left school, and wasn’t even aware why actual Christians celebrate Easter Sunday.
He went on, “Look, I just saw this meme on social media that said our eggs were being hijacked by foreigners and Mooslims and it really boiled my piss. How dare they? Our Easter Eggs are as British as takeaway curries.
“Anyway, I really don’t get all that religion stuff; if you as me, it’s just people blindly following something they’ve been told because it conveniently fits their own personal biases.”