The much-heralded second coming of Jesus has been dismissed by Christians after the Lord’s son and saviour had the temerity to arrive on England’s south coast in a small boat.
"Even Pontious Pilot didn't accuse me of being in a grooming gang made up of terrorists."
Speaking to reporters shortly after his detention by a mob of self-proclaimed “Christian Patriots”, Jesus told us, “I basically arrived by donkey last time, so I genuinely thought a rubber dinghy with a Honda outboard motor was a quite a nice upgrade – BOY was I wrong.
“I thought the innkeepers in Bethlehem were a pretty bigoted bunch, but you should have heard the so-called Christians patrolling the beach I arrived on.
“I opened my arms to receive them warmly, but they all told me to get back in the boat and go back to where I came from. They were really quite aggressive about it. Even Pontious Pilot didn’t accuse me of being in a grooming gang made up of terrorists.”
Beach-patrolling patriot, Derek Williams, told us, “No, I’m not having it. If he really WAS Jesus, then he wouldn’t need to enter the country illegally; he’d just magic up a passport and come by Eurostar.
“Or maybe he’d announce his arrival in France, or Spain when he first reached Europe. There is absolutely no need for him to get in a small boat and come here illegally just to fulfil a long-held Christian prophecy.”
Jesus continued, “Apparently I don’t “look like a Jesus”, and not having any ID counts against me, but I think that’s all thanks to two thousand years of artistic licence giving you a false impression of what a Middle Eastern Jew actually looks like.
“You know what? Sod this, I’m going back home to hang out with Prince and Bowie. I’ll try you lot again in another couple of thousand years; if you haven’t evolved yourselves into oblivion by then.”
Jesus loves you (but everyone else thinks you’re a twat)