by 
Intellectual heavyweight and Energy security minister Grant Shapps has announced the government’s new plan for net zero will involve all British citizens filling their pockets with carbon on a daily basis.
With the High Court ruling that the government’s plans to reach net-zero were woefully inadequate, Shapps announced a new plan that definitely wasn’t thought up on the toilet this morning.
Shapps told reporters, “There are approximately three billion pockets in the UK, most of which remain empty at all times. Our new innovative carbon capture plan will see this spare capacity utilised for the benefit of the nation.
“Three billion pockets, each filled with a few of kilos of carbon, will go a long way towards us hitting our targets, or at least us pretending we are going to hit our targets ahead of the next general election.
“Experts will no doubt criticise the plan as being based on weak science and also being both costly and impractical, but I would point out that a lack of support from experts has never stopped this government from doing anything.”
Non-moron and frequent recycler Simon Williams told us, “I’m not sure about this plan just to move all the extra carbon somewhere and store it. Why don’t we just try to produce less carbon in the first place?
“Ah, right, it’s politically inconvenient, and also electoral suicide in the year before a general election.
“Blimey, the Tories don’t still think they’ve got a chance of winning, do they?”
