Chancellor announces cuts to happiness, empathy and kindness

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Slower-than-expected economic growth and poor tax receipts have meant Jeremy Hunt has announced scathing cuts to happiness, empathy and kindness during the Spring Budget today.

Leading economist Simon Williams said, “With previous budgets savagely cutting health, education and welfare, it was only a matter of time before the Government turned its attention to abstract concepts like happiness.”

Mr Williams warned that the cuts could lead to nationwide shortages of things that make us feel joy and compassion – cute cat videos, cream cakes, lie-ins and DIY SOS.

“Obviously, rationing feelings that define the human experience isn’t ideal, but it’s quite possible to lead a normal & productive life being just selfish, cruel and mean. Ask any Tory MP.”

“It’s not all doom and gloom though,” insisted Mr Williams.

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“Although the pound’s value may have fallen in the last few years, and inflation has further reduced its value to your pocket, the kilometre-to-mile exchange rate has remained remarkably robust.

“In addition, the amount being borrowed by the UK will be much lower than expected. Although, in fairness, that’s because no one will loan us any money any more.

“Finally, the chancellor’s proposed Idiot Tax is expected to add billions to the UK’s coffers. The tax, which will only target people stupid enough to pay it, will affect about 17.4 million people.

“It’ll be a real money spinner for the Government, as long as the demand to pay it is written on the side of a bus.”