Government announces another load of mad old bollocks that’ll never happen

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The government announced yesterday another load of mad old bollocks that’ll never happen.

Excitable Head Boy Rishi Sunak, who was made Prime Minister after winning a competition on a box of cereal, announced the mad load of old bollocks using his mouth and arms after spending a couple of hours bothering some people at an immigration centre who were just trying to get on with their work.

“This is a mad load of old bollocks that’ll never happen,” said Mr Sunak, excitably.

“We’ll all bugger on about it for a week or so, and our fan club newsletters – The Telegraph and The Express – will work themselves into a right old froth about it and then, just when it becomes apparent that it’s a load of mad old bollocks that’ll never happen, we’ll announce another different mad load of old bollocks that’ll never happen.”

Tory supporter and complete f**king dribbling maniac Simon Williams applauded the plan.

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“It may be a load of mad old bollocks that’ll never happen, but it’s the sort of thing that I’m supposed to be happy about because, for reasons I’ve long since forgotten, I’ve wedded my identify to this ideology. So, you know, hooray!”

It’s not the first time the government has announced a load of mad old bollocks that’ll never happen.

In fact, every couple of months or so for the last thirteen years, they’ve announced a load of mad old bollocks that never happens, with the notable exception of Brexit, which was a mad load of old bollocks that did happen and, unsurprisingly, turned out to be a mad load of old bollocks.

Twatspotting #3 – Rishi