Boat gangs absolutely delighted Tories didn’t put them out of business overnight by letting asylum seekers cross the channel on trains or ferries

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Boat gangs on mainland Europe have announced their delight at the Tories for refusing to put them out of business in the easiest manner possible.

As the government announced a raft of measures that seem to focus on penalising genuine asylum seekers, rather than stopping the boats, people traffickers on the continent have expressed their delight.

As one trafficker told us, “Honestly, when they said they were going to put us out of business, I was really worried.

“Mainly because it would be incredibly easy for them to actually put us out of business. All they’d have to do is put on the odd ferry or train for asylum seekers, and we’d be done for.

“They could even let asylum seekers buy a ticket on a regular service, and we’d all be gone overnight.

“Hell, if they announced the opening of a centre to process asylum claims in Calais then our business would be finished before lunchtime today.

“All this stuff about changing the law to penalise asylum seekers is music to our ears. They won’t be able to do it; they’ll face months of legal challenges, and all the while, we stay in business making money by bringing them in by small boat.

“I guess it’s more important for the Tories to demonise my customers than it is to put me out of business, and honestly, we couldn’t be happier about that.”

Tory party deputy chairman, 30p Lee the six-bob knob, told reporters, “Yes, I know we talk about ‘stopping the boats’, but really, we just want fewer asylum seekers coming here.

“Yes, I know we have a legal obligation to take them, and that we already take in fewer asylum seekers than all of our European peers, but it’s still too many.

“Yes, I know most of the migrants in France stay in France, and that the overwhelming majority of asylum claims here in the UK are actually approved because we generally only get genuine asylum seekers here, but that doesn’t make a good slogan on which to fight an election.

“We’d much rather give our racist supporters some cover by pretending it’s about ‘stopping crime’.

“Yes, so far, they seem to absolutely love it. Lapping it up. Great, isn’t it?”