The Home Secretary is planning to make Britain’s southeast coastline look like France so migrants will be fooled into going back the other way.
Suella Braverman has come up with an ingenious new scheme to ensure that boats carrying migrants across the English channel turn back before hitting the UK mainland.
“They’re trying to get away from France and towards England,” reasoned the Home Secretary.
“So… if they see land that looks like France, they’ll immediately turn around and piss off back to actual France thinking they’ve got turned around, right?
“We can fly French flags everywhere and get people dressed as onion sellers to cycle up and down our coastal paths.
“At low tide, our beaches can be filled with mime artists pretending to be trapped in boxes.
“We can write ‘Welcome to France’ on the white cliffs of Dover. What? Oh yes, even better, write it in French – that will really fool them!
“We could even simulate filthy, smelly France by pouring sewage into the sea. What? That’s already in hand? Brilliant news!
“Oh, and the best bit – or should I say the ‘piece de resistance’ – we can build massive refugee camps all along the Kent coastline and use them to house migrants!
“That way, incoming economic parasites will assume they’re looking at some French ghetto like Calais or whatever and think that that’s the very place from which they are trying to escape!
“Right, does anyone know where we can get our hands on a load of migrants?”