Prince Andrew to decorate Frogmore Cottage with gingerbread and candy

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The Duke of York has agreed to move into Frogmore Cottage, provided he can change the exterior decoration.

Harry and Meghan have been evicted from Frogmore Cottage, and the Grade-II listed building has now been offered to Prince Andrew.

“At first, I was outraged,” said Andrew, who is primarily known for his philanthropy after giving millions of pounds to a complete stranger.

“To move from the 31-bedroom Royal Lodge to a pokey 10-bedroom cottage felt like the ultimate insult. However, the more I considered this charming cottage in the woods, where no camera lenses can reach, the more I thought I could make it my own.

“Candy canes could be planted along the path to the front door. I could install window shutters made of gingerbread. The guttering could be huge pipes of liquorice. Wine gums and fruit pastilles could pebbledash the walls.

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“Instead of boring old white, the cottage would become a riot of colour. Pinks, reds, greens, yellows – it will be like living in a sweet shop. Such a residence would naturally appeal to people of all ages, but definitely mainly middle-aged men like me. After all, the decoration would be to please me, and for absolutely no other reason.

“The very last thing I would ever want to do is trick and deceive anyone – that’s just not in my character.

“That said, if any children should stray off the beaten path and find themselves alone, lost and terrified in the woods, stumbling across such a delightful cottage would surely provide them with comfort.

“They would be safe with me, in Uncle Andrew’s cottage.”