The Duke of York has agreed to move into Frogmore Cottage, provided he can change the exterior decoration.
Harry and Meghan have been evicted from Frogmore Cottage, and the Grade-II listed building has now been offered to Prince Andrew.
“At first, I was outraged,” said Andrew, who is primarily known for his philanthropy after giving millions of pounds to a complete stranger.
“To move from the 31-bedroom Royal Lodge to a pokey 10-bedroom cottage felt like the ultimate insult. However, the more I considered this charming cottage in the woods, where no camera lenses can reach, the more I thought I could make it my own.
“Candy canes could be planted along the path to the front door. I could install window shutters made of gingerbread. The guttering could be huge pipes of liquorice. Wine gums and fruit pastilles could pebbledash the walls.
“Instead of boring old white, the cottage would become a riot of colour. Pinks, reds, greens, yellows – it will be like living in a sweet shop. Such a residence would naturally appeal to people of all ages, but definitely mainly middle-aged men like me. After all, the decoration would be to please me, and for absolutely no other reason.
“The very last thing I would ever want to do is trick and deceive anyone – that’s just not in my character.
“That said, if any children should stray off the beaten path and find themselves alone, lost and terrified in the woods, stumbling across such a delightful cottage would surely provide them with comfort.
“They would be safe with me, in Uncle Andrew’s cottage.”