Being a belligerent, embarrassing cock with bad hair would have got us a better deal insists Boris

author avatar by 1 year ago

Former Prime Minister and corrupt liar Boris Johnson has issued a reaction to the new Northern Ireland deal secured by Rishi Sunak earlier this week in which he claims that the deal would have been better if it had been negotiated by a belligerent, embarrassing cock with bad hair.

“Naturally, I congratulate the Prime Minister,” said Mr Johnson, as he picked bits of shepherd’s pie from his hair.

“However, I can’t help but think that approaching the negotiations in the spirit of goodwill and partnership was a mistake, and if he’d been more of a belligerent, embarrassing cock with bad hair, then we’d have the EU on their knees by now.

“He should have walked proudly up to that negotiating table, resplendent in Union Jack socks. Open the negotiation with a twenty-minute diatribe about how, if it wasn’t for us, they’d all be under the cosh of those jackboot-wearing tyrants, so they should have a bit of respect. Refer to the Germans as Fritz, the French as frogs – show them who’s boss. If they try and speak in their own language, bang the desk and demand English at all times.

“Once you’ve established that we’re in charge, you can simply tell them that we need full access to their markets, regular holidays in the Dordogne, and a substantial levy paid to the UK for having to live near them. Get them to sort out all that North Ireland stuff. Don’t involve yourself in the details.

“After you’ve laid down the terms, break wind loudly and decisively, make a pass at any female negotiators who’ve been giving you the eye, and stroll out demanding someone show you where to get some decent lunch that isn’t covered in garlic.”

Mr Johnson even cast doubt on the need for the recent negotiations.

“Me and Frosty had already done the negotiations properly, and I think that anyone could see that we had the EU exactly where we wanted them. They would have likely cracked and given into our demands any day now.”