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After the research claimed that 50% of women have been sexually harassed in the workplace, scientists revealed the existence of Schrödinger’s Office Pest, who is both ‘only joking’, and genuinely seeking sexual contact with you, until he observes your reaction.
Researchers found that Schrödinger’s Pest would prove to have been either ‘joking with you’ or ‘serious about sexual congress’ depending on the precise reaction of the female in question.
Dr Simon Williams, who led the study, told us, “We have undertaken many hundreds of hours of experimentation, and our conclusions are amongst the most rock solid in all of scientific research.
“While the Office Pest is engaging in contact with a female, he is always both joking and sexually harassing.
“However, should the response be negative, he will always claim to have been ‘joking’ and explain that the woman in question should ‘get a sense of humour’.
“But, should the response be positive, the female will always be asked out on a date immediately, maybe even for a quickie in the restrooms. There is no other possible outcome. Because science.”
Office worker Sharon Matthews told us that her office is full of Schrödinger’s Pests.
She explained, “There’s Dave in accounts, Craig who does support, and Clive the sales guy – he’s the alpha sex pest.
“Of course, it turns out they were all just ‘joking’ because I told them to ‘f**k right off’, but I guess that’s just science.”
Dr Williams concluded, “Whichever way it goes, much like Schrödinger’s Cat was still a cat, these guys are still sex pests.”
