Rishi Sunak explains to nation why Boris Johnson’s “oven-ready deal” was actually a load of old shite

author avatar by 9 months ago

Rishi Sunak has announced a new Northern Ireland Brexit deal with the EU, while explaining how the previous ‘oven ready’ deal negotiated by Boris Johnson was demonstrably a load of old bureaucratic wank.

With the introduction of a green lane for goods going from the mainland to Northern Ireland, and a red lane for goods at risk of entering the single market via the border with Ireland, Sunak believes he has gone a long way to solving many of the problems caused by Boris’ agreement.

Sunak told reporters, “Let’s be honest here, the ‘oven-ready’ deal negotiated by my predecessor – no, not her, the one before that – was fit for nothing more than the bin.

“In a desperate attempt to keep an impossible promise to the electorate, he rushed through a substandard deal that left northern Ireland isolated from the UK and a border in the Irish Sea – and then he claimed it was a victory, which only his moron supporters lapped up.

“Of course, everyone else told him that Northern Ireland would hate it, but he went ahead and did it anyway, because it was more important for him to make it look like he was solving problems, than to actually solve them.

“Anyway, the grown-ups are in charge now, and having spoken at length with our EU colleagues, we believe we’ve found a way to move forward and to consign Boris’ oven-ready deal to the bin where it belongs.

“Yes, we still expect the Eurosceptic arm of our party to hate it, because they will hate any deal we make with the EU that requires so much as one single concession on our part, but it’s a grown-up deal that might – just might – create a stable and long-term solution to the post-Brexit Northern Ireland problem.

“It might fail terribly, but at least we are trying, and best of all, it’s a total humiliation for everyone who suggested Boris’ deal was the best one possible. The idiots.”