Due to the limited supply of ministers who know what they’re talking about, the UK government is to be replaced with small root vegetables.
With the UK electorate facing severely low stocks of high-quality government ministers, crates of turnips are being drafted in by Downing Street officials to help run the country.
“Turnips make an excellent substitute for Tory Cabinet ministers,” said Downing Street spokesman Simon Williams.
“Their personalities are indistinguishable from that of the typical Conservative and, because they’ve spent most of their lives in complete darkness underground, root vegetables are just as in touch with the issues facing the British public.
“Turnips are as qualified for roles such as, say, Environment Secretary but they also have the added advantage of not talking absolute shit.
“Turnips never lie. Turnips never evade tax nor hand out lucrative government contracts to their underqualified turnip mates.
“You’ll never see a turnip give an embarrassing and politically damaging interview on breakfast television or abandon its constituents to participate in a reality TV show.
“They’re the perfect candidates to claw back the trust of the British public.
“And with the Tories performing so badly in the polls, the lovely white flesh of the turnips will surely give a much-needed boost among the Tory faithful.
“What’s that? There aren’t any turnips because the supply of seasonal farm workers has dried up?
“Why on earth… oh yeah, Brexit, that’s right.
“Hang on, here’s one! No, it’s just Liz Truss in a turnip costume.
“Oi, Truss! No, you don’t! Piss off!”