Presenters at next month’s Oscars ceremony will be protected from onstage assaults thanks to a protective collar designed by the new crisis management team.
Following the shocking assault onstage against presenter Chris Rock at last year’s event, the newly installed crisis management team has designed a protective collar to prevent facial assaults on any of this year’s presenters.
“I take my job in the crisis team extremely seriously,” said Crisis Team Leader, Chuck Williams, seemingly unaware that his job title sounds like he should be working in trauma care, or on the battlefront, rather than protecting people giving out shiny gold statues to millionaires who play make-believe for a living.
“Protecting A-listers from other A-listers at live televised events is my calling. We have worked for months to make this year’s presenters safer than ever before, and we think the new safety collar will revolutionise the protection of A-listers giving gold statues to other A-listers.
“I got the idea while watching my dog trying to lick the stitches where the vet removed his balls. I thought to myself, ‘if it can stop Fred licking his stitches, it could probably stop Will Smith slapping Chris Rock’ – and low, an invention was born!
“Every presenter will be wearing them, and we hope they will become so fashionable that people on the Internet will want one. All we need is one of the Kardashians to wear and we’ll be quids in!”