Waitrose customers terrified at the prospect of a houmous shortage

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There is rising panic within the UK middle classes that the current crisis in the supply of fresh produce could lead somewhere truly terrifying – like the rationing of essential items such as houmous and organic kale crisps.

“It’s alright for Tesco shoppers – they don’t know any better,” said middle-class wanker Simon Williams.

“But for those of us who’ve not only heard of quinoa, but eat it regularly, the prospect of shortages will hit hard.

“Even at the height of the pandemic, it was unimaginable that I’d be sending my children to school without a houmous dip for the carrot sticks in their lunch box.

“That’s now a very real possibility. Such are the horrors of Brexit, I suppose.

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“But we will be strong, just like our grandparents were before us. I imagine this current crisis will come with its own set of inspiring and motivating slogans:

“Stop feeding your corgi chicken ballotine dog food for victory.

“Make do and have chicken eggs rather than pheasant eggs for breakfast.

“Careless consumption of avocado and smoked ricotta pesto costs dinner parties.

“You know, that sort of thing.

“I just hope they don’t run out of Earl Gray almonds – but I guess such extreme scenarios are what the cyanide pills are for.”