Sir Kier Starmer outlines Labour’s five excuses if they somehow manage to lose the next general election

Sir Kier Starmer has outlined Labour’s five main excuses for not winning the next General Election.

During a speech in Manchester, the Labour leader revealed the main excuses that he and his party would use when they somehow manage to lose the election, despite that seeming impossible, given the current state of the Tories. 

The five excuses,  which would form the backbone of Labour’s main excuse book include:

■ I’m boring as f**k.  So nobody will vote for me. People would rather have an incompetent liar than someone as boring as me.

■ We forgot to write any policies.  We were just busy. 

■ People are f**king stupid. The general public are so f**king stupid that after EVERYTHING that has happened in the last few years, they will still decide to vote Conservative. 

■ The whole antisemitism thing. People are not overly keen on it.  

■ People really are f**king stupid.  And also have no memories. 

Asked if he thinks Labour will go on to win the next general election, he told us “It really depends just how f**king stupid people actually are.”