A man has today revealed to close friends that he is worried he has become ‘dangerously woke’ after using a gender-neutral bathroom without even realising.
Derek Williams, 52, told friends, “I don’t know what to do, I went for a coffee yesterday and needed to use the toilet, but it wasn’t until I was sat back down at my table that I realised it was a GENDER NEUTRAL toilet. How is that even possible?
“How can I – a man as non-woke as it’s possible to be – relieve myself in a gender-neutral toilet without even noticing?”
Despite friends consoling him and repeatedly explaining that this isn’t anything to do with being ‘woke’, Williams continued to fret, and went on to reluctantly reveal further details of his newfound ‘wokeness’.
“It’s not just the toilet,” he explained, “It gets worse. Much worse.”
Williams stared at the floor before continuing, “The coffee shop barista, was, well, I don’t honestly know if it was a boy or a girl – but I ordered a coffee from them anyway, and it was all perfectly pleasant, and their gender made absolutely no difference whatsoever to my drink, OR to our brief transactional interaction.
“I disgust myself,” he added, on the verge of tears.
“If I’m being honest, I’m worried my descent in wokeness has been happening for a while. Back in December, I saw a sign outside a shop that said ‘Happy Holidays’, and I didn’t immediately think it was an attack on Christmas, but a simple non-denominational inclusive greeting that didn’t hurt anyone.
“And there was a guy on the High Street selling the Big Issue, but instead of telling him to get a proper job, I nearly bought one. Nearly. I was this close.
“I saw a rainbow in the week and stopped to look at it. Do you think that’s how I caught it? Or do you think I need to see a doctor? I’m worried my kids have secretly arranged for me to have a gammonectomy.”