Nicola Sturgeon to be put in Bagpuss’ shop window along with all the other lost and broken things nobody wants any more

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The SNP has announced it will put Nicola Sturgeon in Bagpuss’ shop window along with all the other lost and broken things nobody wants any more.

Party succession plans are for the First Minister to be dumped outside Holyrood with all her stuffing hanging out, where a little girl will find her and put her in a basket because maybe someone will want her again one day.

“I don’t know how the woman came to be so lost, but I hope that Bagpuss can sing his magical song and make her right again,” Emily, the shop proprietor, told us.

“But last year Bagpuss was asked to fix Boris Johnson, but not even a machine powered by chocolate biscuits could do that, and it’s currently sitting around the back by the bins, so fixing Nicola might be beyond even him,” she added.

“One day, perhaps someone will see her in the window and come in and take her away again.”

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“We’ll just make sure it’s not Alex Salmond because we have a pretty good idea what he’d do with her, and she doesn’t deserve that.

“In the meantime, she can teach the mice the only song she knows – ‘We will break it, we will smash it…’.”

A spokesman for the SNP said that a vote for a new party leader would take place as soon as possible.

“Ideally the next First Minister will be drawn from a gang of helpful mice who want to fix things, but realistically we’re looking at an articulated know-it-all woodpecker or a singing stuffed toad with a banjo,” they said.