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Marketing professionals are celebrating yet another magnificent victory in yesterday’s Super Bowl LVII, after securing unprecedented levels of coverage for their range of tawdry products.
In a match between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Philadelphia Eagles, which was won by one of them 38-35, all eyes were on the brands that could most successfully exploit their exposure to hundreds of millions of American wallets.
NFL spokesperson Chuck Williams told us, “Each year, we wonder where we are going improve on the previous year’s successful extraction of income from US workers, and yet we continue to do so, time and again.
“I think that it’s a testament to the incredible skills of our nation’s marketing professionals that even in such financially challenging times, we were able to secure $7m for a 30-second commercial in the middle of a ball game.
“We’ve got sponsored cameras, sponsored drinks providers, sponsored breaks, sponsored time-outs, sponsored lines on the pitch.
“It’s absolutely brilliant.”
Williams continued, “We are running out of things to sponsor, admittedly, but I have faith in our nation’s capitalists to wring several million dollars more out of someone in time for next year’s event.
“Each quarterback has eight fingers and two thumbs, so there are twenty sponsorship opportunities right there – you can have that one for free.
“Patrick Mahomes’ right index finger – ‘brought to you by Frito-Lay Sunchips’ has a certain ring to it, no?
“What about ‘sponsored’ sponsors? ‘This McDonald’s advert was brought to you by Ford’ – that’s surely an option?
“Sure, there are some people who will tell you that the Super Bowl is an important sporting and cultural event in the US calendar – and I’d agree to a certain extent – so long as at the end of the day, commercial exploitation is the winner.”
English sports fans watched the Superbowl in wide-eyed bemusement, as the action was endlessly interrupted by marketing messages from companies promising to make your life immeasurably better, for a price.
Manchester United fan Simon Williams told us, “I know it’s difficult to comprehend, but watching the NFL’s Super Bowl makes watching the Premier League seem like it’s staged in 1950s communist East Germany.”
