After the Guardian-Reading Wokerati, Anti-Growth Coalition and Left-Wing Economic Establishment, who will the Tories blame next for their dismal failures? We look at the top five contenders

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The Tories have recently made a habit of blaming their dismal failures on non-identifiable groups who coincidentally have the means and motivation to thwart them at every turn – and they show no signs of stopping now!

The Left-Wing Economic Establishment are the latest nonsensical group to be blamed by a Tory minister for her failures, but who will they blame next? One thing we know for sure is that they will need someone to blame when their next set of plans ends in disaster.

We look at the runners and riders to be the next Tory bogeyman:

1. Poverty-Loving Protesting Posse – you can almost hear it now, as yet another ‘economic stimulus’ fails to work, and that week’s Chancellor tells the commons, “It would have worked if it wasn’t for the poverty-loving protesting posse over there.”

2. The Yoghurt-Knitting Anti-Freedom Syndicate – Hippies that hate freedom are a group that has not yet been exploited by the Tory blame game, but it’s only a matter of time. Likely to be used against anti-Brexit voters when the Tories try (and fail) to leave the European Convention on Human Rights.

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3. The Boat-Hugging Conceited Crew – When the boats don’t stop (and they won’t because it’s not illegal to come to the UK shores to claim asylum), the Tories will need someone to blame. And the boat-hugging conceited crew will provide that scapegoat. If you have a scintilla of sympathy for vulnerable groups that make their way across the channel to claim asylum, expect to be added to the crew.

4. Prosperity-hating Electric-car-driving Vegan Confederacy – At some point, the Tories will try to reignite their low-tax plans that will see rich people benefit to the detriment of those on lower incomes. If you don’t like it, you hate prosperity. You will want this country to fail. Yes, you do.

5. The Perpetually-offended Socialist Snowflakes – You don’t like cutting the benefits of poor people? Snowflake! You would prefer to see unionised workers avoid a real-terms pay cut? Socialist! You would prefer to see newspapers face real consequences for unecessarily hateful language against vulnerable groups? Stop being so offended all the time! This group is a triple threat, and the Tories will know it.