All of our weather balloons can count the hairs on your head, insists China

author avatar by 1 year ago

China has explained that a weather balloon spotted drifting across North America is completely harmless, but that you should probably consider an anti-dandruff shampoo.

Responding to accusations that the balloon is actually a “high altitude surveillance device”, China has insisted the civilian device is entirely harmless, but has provided some interesting photos of that suspicious mole on the back of your neck.

A Chinese government official explained, “Taking high-quality photographs from huge altitudes is a standard feature amongst all weather balloons in China – is it not the same in the United States?

“I fail to see why you are all so concerned. Our balloons are very helpful in monitoring the pollution in the atmosphere, spotting potential storm activity, and identifying any civilians still using 1234 as their phone passcode so they can be reminded to change it.

“The balloon drifted across the United States entirely by accident, but we have learned very little that we didn’t already know to be honest.

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“Though we do now have some excellent evidence that Donald Trump cheats at golf.”

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