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The government has reacted to Shell announcing its highest profits in 115 years in the midst of an energy crisis by insisting it is just further proof that capitalised market forces works really well.
Prime ministerial automaton Rishi Sunak explained, “Energy companies have long been known for their philanthropic environmental efforts, and as such, we should celebrate them when they are experiencing a huge profit windfall during a time of national energy crisis.
“Some people might suggest an energy company making about a billion pounds in profit every ten days while pensioners ride the bus to keep warm is something of an immoral travesty. But remember, it’s just the market forces that we love and hold so dear working their magic in an industry where we were responsible for introducing a profit motive.
“If the Conservatives hadn’t completely privatised the energy sector in the late 80s, then most of this profit could have been wasted by public sector bureaucrats or nurses, or heaven forbid spent on keeping your bills lower.
“If the market wants your granny to freeze to death while energy company executives can buy a third Caribbean home, then so be it.”
Voter Simon Williams told us, “BP and Shell alone made $7 billion more in the third quarter of last year compared to last. That’s not their total profit, that’s just how much MORE they made in that quarter than in the last year. That’s the extra they’ve made while we’re all facing crippling energy costs.
“For context, that’s more than one of the world’s biggest company, Amazon, made in the same quarter. They made more in EXTRA profits than the TOTAL profits of Amazon.
“That’s about £250 for every single household in this country – in extra profits – in just three months.
“I’m just grateful it’s a privatised business, because as a simple taxpayer I can’t imagine we would know what to do with that sort of money.”
