British Gas announce they might try a spot of kidnapping next

author avatar by 1 year ago

British Gas has announced that after engaging in a little light breaking and entering, it is keen to sample more of the exciting delights from the criminal underworld.

The energy giant told reporters, “Being ‘legit’ has proven to be worth billions of pounds a year, but honestly, where is the thrill in that?

“I have to admit, beating an earnings forecast by 8% simply can’t compare to the thrill of entering someone’s home against their will to install one of our prepaid meters.

“I’ve had a taste for the thug life, and now I want more. Lots more.

“I’m thinking of trying kidnapping next, maybe some light extortion. Then maybe a move into people smuggling. It seems I only like committing crimes that result in untold misery for the victims, so there are quite a few to choose from.

NewsThump Hoodies

“I’ve never felt more alive than I do when I’m taking something from someone in need. So far that’s only been money, but maybe it could be their freedom next?”

Shareholders have been asked to try and rein in the errant energy provider, but one spokesperson for leading shareholders group told us, “It’s horrible what British Gas is doing. Awful.

“But you know what, the dividends are great, so I can probably live with a bit of kidnapping, as long as it isn’t anyone I know.”