People who did ‘Dry January’ not feeling so smug this morning, reveals study

author avatar by 1 year ago

People who abstained from alcohol throughout January are today feeling like shit warmed up, a study has revealed.

According to the study, around 100,000 men and women who spent last month feeling smug and sanctimonious, now feel just as miserable as the rest of the country.

Peak smugness occurred at around 7pm last night when a huge groan of pleasure could be heard resonating around the country as thousands took their first sip of alcohol in 2023.

By 9pm metropolitan police reported a 700% rise in alcohol-related incidents as a large number of ‘self-righteous millennials’ began getting aggressive and shouting ‘what’s the point in anything, we’re all f**ked anyway!’.

The study shows that despite the added health benefits of Dry January, thousands of people will spend the day at their desks staring at Twitter and wishing they weren’t alive.

NewsThump Best sellers

Simon Williams, the author of the research, summarised the report’s findings: “We found a direct correlation between those who had their first drink in a month last night, and those with a heightened sense of dread and despair this morning.

“Men and women who maintained a steady and regular relationship with alcohol will today find themselves better equipped to deal with the rigours and hardships of 2023.

“Those without the reserves and strength to cope with a hangover in today’s climate will probably find it the longest 24 hours of their lives.”

When asked if he had any advice for those dealing with their first hangover of the year, Simon responded, “Easy. Stay away from news websites and social media. Don’t talk to anyone, read anything, look at anything or think about anything.”