Richest 1% begin eyeing up all the stuff you still own

author avatar by 11 months ago

The richest 1% of people on the planet have started looking at the stuff you’ve been allowed to keep, according to sources this morning.

After officially managing to own half of all the world’s wealth, the top 1% said that this meant there was still room for 100% growth within their current portfolio of assets.

Rich bastard, Charles Wentworth, said, “Yes, we’ve got expensive properties, nice cars and investments in lots and lots of companies – but it’s got to the point where I think we should start looking to extend our portfolio.

“50% of all the world’s wealth is a good start, of course, but that means there’s another 50% of the world’s wealth out there that we don’t currently own – well, not yet anyway.

“I’m talking about things like Ford Fiestas, IKEA wardrobes, Sky Q boxes – that sort of thing.

“Not your typical wish list for a multi-millionaire, admittedly, but we’ve got to keep growing. Obviously.

“We’re coming for it. Of that you be assured.”

Those outside the 1% have been left crestfallen at the news that the tiny bit of wealth they’ve been allowed to accrue during their meagre existence is likely to become part of some inconsequential piece of a wealthy arsehole’s portfolio of assets.

99%-er Simon Williams told us, “Couldn’t they just leave us with a few bits of pieces? Do they really have to have everything?

“Look, they can come for my wealth all they like, but I warn you now, they will have to prise my Sky remote from my cold dead hands.”