Daily Mail down to just 2,375,253 potential causes of cancer

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After research indicated that there is no link between mobile phones and brain cancer, the Daily Mail has been forced to reduce its list of headline carcinogens to just 2,375,251.

It is thought the findings, from the study of 350,000 people across 18 years, could lead to a Daily Mail exposé about the cancer risks associated with assessing cancer risks.

Daily Mail reader Sharon Williams told us, “But the Daily Mail seemed so sure? If mobile phones don’t cause cancer then what about all the other things?

“Are throw cushions giving me eye cancer? Is using three-syllable words a leading cause of oesophageal cancer? And what about thinking? Is thinking really going to melt my brain?

“Oh God, does reading the Daily Mail give you cancer?”

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The Daily Mail has reacted with surprise at the announcement, claiming it might take three or four front-page headlines questioning the findings before they are ready to accept them.

Sub-Editor Simon Williams told reporters, “We take health issues very seriously here at the Daily Mail, and we are absolutely committed to bringing you the very latest in cancer theories that we have plucked from thin air during our editorial meetings.

“Did you know for example, that only this morning we discovered a theory linking thumb cancer to flipcharts. It was staring us in the face this whole time.

“It’s investigative journalism like this that keeps the Daily Mail in the thoughts of panic-stricken morons everywhere.”

I think, therefore I am (not a Daily Mail reader)