Crime figures set to plummet in London as Met Police agree to stop committing horrific crimes

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Crime figures are set to reduce by up to 40% in the capital it has been revealed today, as the Metropolitan Police have agreed to stop committing crimes themselves.

With news emerging today of yet another police officer from the force being guilty of a number of serious sexual offences, including multiple rapes, senior officers have today agreed to an outright ban on all serious crime by the Met Police for a period of three months, in a desperate attempt to reduce the capital’s crime rate.

A Spokesperson for the Met revealed earlier, “After Wayne Couzens, that other chap, and now David Carrick, it’s time to take action on these callous criminals walking around the streets of our capital.

“London has become awash with these disgusting, dangerous, racist, sexist and violent individuals, who all seem to work for the Metropolitan Police, and something needs to be done.

“That’s why from today, we are issuing urgent instructions to all of our officers that sexual violence, rape, racism, including the much less serious neo-Nazi racism, among our officers will be seriously frowned upon for a good few months, until all of this blows over.

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“We hope to see a considerable reduction in crime on our streets as a result of these changes, and we hope that people can start to feel safer whilst out in public and on London’s streets.

“And if the public is not happy with this decision, and they feel like they want to come and protest about it, we’ll just smash their faces in. Simple.”