Elizabeth Arden releases 8-Hour Todger Rejuvenation Balm

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Elizabeth Arden has responded to a surprising and unexpectedly popular niche by releasing its 8-hour Todger Rejuvenation Balm.

Just days after Prince Harry revealed in his memoir that he treated his damaged member with Elizabeth Arden cream, the cosmetics giant has been quick to capitalise.

The company claims the balm is precisely what’s needed for a todger that is cold, cracked, or simply overworked.

A spokesperson told us, “We know how hard the modern man works, and sometimes his todger suffers as a result. Well suffer no more, merely apply the Todger Rejuvenation Balm liberally before bed, and by morning you will be a new man. With a definition less gross looking todger.”

The company refused to comment on speculation that the product will be endorsed by Prince Harry.

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The spokesperson went on, “Yes, we are in discussions over a couple of celebrity endorsements, but we have nothing to announce yet. I guess it all depends on how well his book sells.

“He’s negotiating hard, and standing up for himself – unlike his post-Arctic todger.”