New Year celebrations officially over as gym membership cards put away for the year

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The nation’s gym members have ritually placed their membership cards in the back of a drawer to mark the official end of the official New Year celebrations.

The time-honoured tradition brings to a close the Christmas cycle of astonishing overconsumption, guilt, regret, resolution and ‘ah f**k it’.

The nation’s gym membership cards have subsequently been removed from wallets and returned to their natural habitat between an old phone and some spare batteries.

Gyms, which serve no discernible function for 51 weeks of the year, survive entirely on revenue generated from desperate unhappiness and drunken wagers made on New Year’s Eve.

“We don’t actually own any of that exercise equipment we show on the flyers,” gym owner Simon Williams told us.

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“We just lease it for ten days at the start of January and then send it back to the shop.

“The rest of the year the building stands empty and if anyone asks we tell them it’s a space for Dance Yogalates, which usually gets rid of them again pretty sharpish.”

In related news, publicans have reported a sharp upturn in business after everyone decided enough is enough and all their mates are bound to have forgotten they’re supposed to be doing dry January anyway.