Rishi Sunak has asked people to judge him on his record, seemingly unaware people have been judging him on his record back to the day he joined the cabinet.
The prime minister asked that people judge him on his new priorities for the NHS and migrants, but maybe not on all that older stuff like when he broke lockdown restrictions, presided over the greatest increase in the national debt in history, and encouraged people to cram into restaurants in the midst of a contagious epidemic.
When asked for clarification, Sunak told reporters, “No, don’t judge me on that historical stuff, judge me on the stuff going forward – the stuff I haven’t actually done yet. When I said I want you to judge me on my record, I meant I want you the wipe the slate clean, ignore everything I’ve done to this point, and start over.
“Christ, I’m not an idiot, as if I’d ask you to judge me on my record while I was sat next to Boris Johnson for two years. Ha! That would be ridiculous, wouldn’t it?
“I mean, my wife claimed non-dom status to avoid paying taxes in the UK while I was Chancellor, I broke the law at a lockdown party, and I had to borrow a car from a pleb at the supermarket to trick everyone into thinking I look ‘normal’ for a photo op. Don’t judge me on any of that, obviously!
“Let’s just pretend I got the job yesterday, and none of you has ever heard of me. Deal?”