We have to keep the economic assessments of our new Brexit deals private to stop you getting too excited about all the benefits, insists Government

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The government has anounced that it is refusing to release economic assessments of its new Brexit trade deals, purely because they are worried people will get too excited when they realise how brilliant they are going to be.

As a Freedom of Information request showed that the government is refusing to release the independent economic assessments of its latest trade deals, citizens have been told it’s purely so they don’t become giddy with anticipating at the wonderment that awaits them.

Government spokesperson Simon Williams told us, “Keep economic assessments to ourselves is perfectly normal when you don’t want people to get access to really good news.

“Good news is always best when it’s buried or hidden behind closed doors so that no one can see or hear about it.

“What we didn’t need at this important time in our nation’s history, during a cost of living crisis and a recession, is millions of people constantly thanking us for the brilliant work we’re doing post-Brexit, and repeatedly asking us when the next piece of amazing news would be made available to them.

“There is only so much back-patting a single department can take.  No, it’s best we just get on with our job of securing new Brexit deals in the dark where no one can see what we’re doing.”

Voter Dave Smith told us, “I’m sure there is a management training manual out there that says hiding good news – when everyone thinks you’re hiding bad news – is a really good idea.  But I would suggest that the manual was written by a moron.

“Christ, only a few months ago they activated an emergency nuclear bunker to help deal with the ‘Brexit benefits’ we are currently ‘enjoying’; if that doesn’t give us confidence everything is going swimmingly, I don’t know what will.”